To Save Myself From Myself
by Raven Aorla
Summary: What if Smeagol had fallen into Mount Doom on purpose? What would he be thinking to make him do that? A spur of the moment one-shot for book readers only. Dedicated to Caitlin for all those conversations on the way to school.


Disclaimer: Characters, events, and places mentioned here belong to J.R.R. Tolkien.  
  
"Go away and never come back. I hate you."  
  
When I said that I meant it. But though I wanted him to leave, he came back and I could not keep him away. Gollum was stronger than me. I feared him, yet, I was also afraid of what would happen without him.  
  
"We sssurvived becaussse of ME, preciousss."  
  
It was the worst when he said that, because it's true. If Gollum hadn't taken over all those years, He would have killed us, and She would have too. Gollum is more clever, tough, and ruthless. Gollum knows this. He's always telling me so, calling me weak, foolish, a murderer.  
  
"Not listening!" I scream, over and over.  
  
I wanted to shut Gollum out, lock him away like he did to me all those years. I, Smeagol, disappeared, and Gollum took over. Master brought me back. The Master is my only friend. Master Frodo knows how I feel, for it might have happened to him. I wanted to help him not become like me. Though the other one, the fat hobbit, doesn't trust me, I envy him. Deagol was my friend once. We did everything together and would do anything for each other, just like those hobbits. But I don't let them know that. Gollum won't let me speak much to them, because to him the Master is a Baggins to be hated and killed.  
  
It's funny. Master tried to keep the fat one from hurting my feelings. As if Gollum didn't give me a thousand times more pain whenever we are alone. Gollum wouldn't let me out. I fought him so hard just to say a few words. At least now I exist, I can still think on my own without being swallowed up. I had no way of knowing when that might end.  
  
Gollum always wanted the Precious. He would say that if we had the Precious again we could have all the fish we wanted. I like fish too, but I would rather have him gone than an entire river full of fish. And the Precious made Gollum. The Precious brought Gollum into my body. Gollum killed my friend. Gollum made me go away, and I forgot that I existed. Gollum filled my mind with poison and brooding hatred in the dark. Gollum wants the Precious because he exists because of and for it only.  
  
I want that day, my birthday, 500 years ago, to happen over again. If I had another chance I would have not gone fishing, but helped my Grandmother to clean up from my birthday party instead, like she wanted me to. Or Deagol and I could have played somewhere else. Then he wouldn't have been killed, and I would not be like I am now.  
  
I am alone, yet never left alone. I wish I could kill Gollum and get Deagol back instead. Unfortunately, I can't bring back the dead, and I can't kill Gollum without me dying too.  
  
Now we are falling, Gollum and I. It was he who bit the Master's finger, but I made us fall backwards. He is very angry with me now, but I don't care. This is the only time I've ever been stronger than Gollum. It might be a little too late, but for at least one second I have mastery. The most vital second of my life, perhaps. After all, both Gollum and I have achieved our wishes. He has his Precious where no one can take it from him, and I have killed him. We had to give up our life, but I do not think that too high a price.  
  
I never knew so much could pass through your mind in the few moments before you die. Is Deagol waiting for me? I need to explain to him that it wasn't me that killed him, it was Gollum. I hope my friend will understand. I hope the Master and his friend make it home and live the life I used to have before Gollum came.  
  
The heat doesn't hurt at all. Who was it that Grandmother said made the world? Il- Il something. Oh, Illuvatar. Has He forgiven me, and set me free from Gollum to show it? I hope so.  
  
The lava is very near now. I remember hearing that, a long time ago, there was an Elf who also stole a treasure and threw himself into a chasm. Was it Mount Doom that the Elf fell in, or somewhere else?  
  
If the Master survives, everyone will honor him. I wonder how many people will know that I destroyed the ring, that it was Smeagol who saved Middle- Earth. And I wonder if anyone will ever realize that I did it to save myself from myself. 


End file.
